02 Jan Allowing yourself to feel
When my eldest son, who is thirteen years old and in his last year of primary school, told me that he had auditioned for the school revue and had landed a lead role, I was thrilled at the news. I knew acting was a sweet spot (‘a place where success and satisfaction intersect’ Max Lucado) for him and this would be a wonderful learning experience. As a result, some of the emotions I felt at the time were excitement, anticipation and thankfulness. This all however tended to change as the event drew closer and I noticed myself feeling a little uneasy and even downright scared at times. What if he forgot his lines? How would he handle the pressure? These were some of the thoughts that crossed my mind and they made the prospect of being a spectator at the revue less appealing than before.
The reason I am sharing this story is that many sports parents with whom I deal comment on how stressful and nerve-racking it can be to watch their children perform. For some parents it has become so unpleasant that they choose to avoid watching their children play all together. While we certainly don’t need to watch each and every event in which our children participate, they do need and appreciate our support. After all, we are the most important players in their lives and our presence and love is irreplaceable.
Here are some thoughts that have helped me and other parents make attending their children’s sporting and cultural events a little sweeter.
Feel more not less!
Dealing with the subject of emotions can be complex but we need to realise that they are part of who we are as human beings. In fact, it is in feeling our emotions that we are able to experience life in all its fullness. The more we are able to feel, the more we have a sense of being alive. In order to cope, we tend to see emotions as being either positive or negative, good or bad, and as result deny or suppress the more uncomfortable ones, such as anger or fear. This may seem to be effective in the short term but in the long term it creates problems. One of the problems is that we can be unaware of certain emotions, although they still control our behaviour. To quote Whitmore “We are only able to control that of which we are aware, that of which we are unaware tends to control us”. This is also true when it comes to our emotions. When we suppress our emotions, we are more likely to be blindsided by them. An example of this would be a parent who ‘ loses it’ or ‘blows up’ next to the sports field. This too often has negative consequences for him/her and those around them.
To be practical, the night I went to see the revue, I made a conscious effort to be more aware and accepting of my feelings, such as being anxious and nervous. As result, I found that I was better able to cope with and control these strong feelings, allowing me to enjoy the evening a whole lot more. We need to accept that we are going to experience a number of strong feelings in the often supercharged sports environment and especially when our children are involved. Allowing ourselves to feel more, not less, results in being able to enjoy watching our children perform as well as helping us to be more of what they need, when they need it. Please realize that becoming more emotionally aware is not a simple process but rather one that will take time and effort. I do urge you to make this effort, whether it is by attending a course, or reading up on the subject. It will always be time well spent if it helps you to see and meet your own and your child’s needs a little better. Christopher Anderson’s book listed below has been a great resource in this regard for me.
Let go of your ego
I asked Justice Potgieter, a professor in Sports Psychology at the University of Stellenbosch, what the key was to helping sports parents and players play the game a little better. What he shared with me is that we need to learn to let go of our ego.
When we attach our ego or self-worth to any activity we certainly change the game for ourselves, from something light to something quite heavy.
To be practical again, I can view my child’s performance in the revue as a reflection of my self worth as a parent. So a good performance would mean I am a good parent or vice versa. If this is the case, then watching my child perform will certainly be a nerve- wracking affair. No one wants to feel less worthy. By attaching our self-worth to something of which we are not in control, such as our children’s performance in anything, will only result in us to become excessively anxious. If we start falling into this trap as parents, we run the risk of either becoming over involved or going overboard. This will only serve to create unnecessary pressure and take the smile out of sport for our children and ourselves.
We need to acknowledge that in this achievement-orientated society we live in, it is very easy to fall into this trap. As Gallwey said in his ground breaking book ‘The Inner Game of Tennis’,
The equation that self-worth equals performance, is nearly universal.
He goes on to say that to disengage from this trap and let go of our ego,
we need to be clear that the value of a human being cannot be measured by performance.
We are who we are and not how well we happen to perform at any given moment. Becoming more clear with regards to this not only freed me up to enjoy the revue and all the night had to offer, but also helped me to be calmer, in turn helping my child to perform to the best of his ability.
References:
Gallwey
Anderson
Fish