01 Dec “So why did you lose?”
One of my most vivid and unpleasant sporting experiences happened while driving home after a tennis match. My mom asked me, “So why did you lose?” I am not sure what I answered, but I do remember how I felt. It was a combination of disappointment and confusion. What had motivated my loving and caring mom to ask such an unloving question? And when and how did winning become so important to her?
The answers to these questions became clearer many years later, when I asked my mom to share her sports memories and experiences with me.
What my mom shared was that she was in primary school, not too long after the end of World War Two, with the fall of the German empire still fresh in people’s minds. Her dad was German, her mom from the United Kingdom and both were Jewish. This connection was seen by fellow pupils and even teachers as an opportunity to make life difficult for her. They even went as far as calling her hurtful names such as Hitler’s daughter. She felt left out when it came to being chosen for sports teams and cultural events. This was especially painful for her, as she loved to get involved and participate. She was a good athlete and could run fast. However, she realized that if she took part in athletics, especially track events such as the 100 and 200 meters and achieved success, no one could leave her out of the team or ignore her achievements. She made sure she practised hard, ran fast and did what was needed to win!
Listening to my mom’s sports experiences was not only disturbing but also insightful. It became clearer to me and my mom why winning had become so important to her. It had been her way of coping with the bullying, rejection and unpleasant school environment she had found herself in.
Because she had never taken time to deal with her own sports experiences, these memories were still influencing her behaviour as a sports parent.
I believe because my mom loved her children immensely. Part of what motivated her to want us to win so badly was that she felt it would help to protect us from the pain she had experienced as a child. She could also have been trying to prove herself worthy as a person and parent through our sports achievements. In either case, not being aware and getting to grips with her own sports experiences had created a blind spot as to what was really motivating her need to have a winning athlete. This did not make her a unique or a bad parent.
The fact is even the most loving parents have blind spots, especially when it comes to sport - Fish
When I shared the “so why did you lose?” memory with my mom, her immediate response was a genuine heartfelt apology. This was not only a magical healing moment for both of us, but also highlighted that loving parents would never do or say anything intentionally to hurt their children. We need however to acknowledge that we as parents do not always have an accurate view of our behaviour, and as result we need to finds ways of helping ourselves to raise our self awareness.
As I experienced firsthand and as Joel Fish mentions in his book, one way to start to raise your awareness as a sports parent is to make peace with your own experiences.
- So what are your sports memories?
- Have you ever shared them?
- More importantly how could they be impacting how you are parenting your athlete today?
Taking time to ask and answer these questions may not always be easy, but it will be worthwhile if it helps make the sporting experience sweeter for you and your child.